- Evelyn McCarter
MY JOURNEY WITH INFERTILITY
Beginning with a Dream
When my husband and I first began dating, we talked about what we wanted out of life. My dreams contained aspirations of a family, as well as a career in a creative field. When I asked Ben what he wanted to do with his life, his response was "to be a dad." "Awww, How sweet is that!" I thought to myself. I wanted to be a mom, and I thought having a husband with such a wholesome life goal would be perfect when getting to the stage of life when we wanted to start a family. So from that point on, I knew if we got married we would end up having kids. Simply because we both wanted to.
Possible Infertility Diagnosis
It truly never crossed my mind at that point that we would have difficulty conceiving. That is until, a few months later. I speculated I had endometriosis, but I was finally diagnosed by my OBGYN the following fall. Conceiving can be more difficult for women with endometriosis due to the irregular nature of their periods and other complications with this inflammatory disease. Some women with fewer endometriosis symptoms have no trouble and others with severe symptoms can be diagnosed as infertile. Due to my period irregularity and the pain I experienced on a daily basis from endometriosis, let alone the excruciating pain during my periods, I realized my chances of easily conceiving were not very high.
I told Ben about the possibility of infertility while crying in my car just after receiving the official news. My beautiful plan for our lives was now ruined. "What if I can't give him the one thing he wants to be?" I thought. I gave him the option to leave with the knowledge that conception with me may not be possible. He lovingly ensured me he wanted to marry me and mentioned adoption as an option for us if we weren't able to conceive naturally. I wiped the tears from my eyes and thanked God for placing a man in my life who was so gentle and tender with me. And the very next summer, we eloped.
The 4-Year Desert Season
A year into marriage, we agreed it was a good time to start trying for a baby. And after a year and a half of trying with no luck, I started to question if it was God's plan for us to have children. I won't lie, we experienced so much heartbreak in this desert season. It would have been easy for me to blame God for not fulfilling our dream in our timing instead of trusting in Him. Instead of blaming God, I ran further and further into His presence. Pouring myself out in continual worship, diving into the Bible, and learning about the true nature of God. Jesus experienced a similar season during his life on earth when He walked into the desert and was tested for 40 days.
Afterward, the Holy Spirit led Jesus into the wilderness to experience the ordeal of testing by the accuser. And after fasting for forty days, Jesus was extremely hungry. Then the tempter came to him and said, “How can you possibly be the Son of God and go hungry? Just command these stones to be turned into loaves of bread.” He answered, “The Scriptures say: Bread alone will not satisfy, but true life is found in every word that constantly goes forth from God’s mouth.” Then the accuser transported Jesus to the holy city of Jerusalem and perched him at the highest point of the temple and said to him, “If you’re really God’s Son, jump, and the angels will catch you. For it is written in the Scriptures: He will command his angels to protect you and they will lift you up so that you won’t even bruise your foot on a rock.” Once again Jesus said to him, “The Scriptures say: You must never put the Lord your God to a test.” And the third time the accuser lifted Jesus up onto a very high mountain range and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and all the splendor that goes with it. “All of these kingdoms I will give to you,” the accuser said, “if only you will kneel down before me and worship me.” But Jesus said, “Go away, Satan! For the Scriptures say: Kneel before the Lord your God and worship only him.” At once the accuser left him, and angels suddenly gathered around Jesus to minister to his needs. - Matthew 4:1-11
When reflecting on previous years, I've often told Ben how grateful I've been that we didn't get pregnant as each year passed. Between the loss of family members, COVID hospitalizations, the loss of our oldest dog, moving states, job transitions, and job loss. I could see what I couldn't see in those tear-filled moments, looking at yet another negative pregnancy test: the hand of God on our lives. Each year I've watched the deep, inner work Holy Spirit walked me through that I desperately needed before becoming a mother. Each season brought to light old wounds in need of healing. Wounds that, if left untreated, would have festered into ugly traits in motherhood. I felt as if I was in the desert, the hidden season with God all those years. The midbar, if you will. The time away with God after saying "yes" to following Him is filled with refinement, love, healing, listening, and obeying.
Learning to prioritize time in God's presence over any good thing He could give me.
My Dream or God's Dream?
I recently read "Indestructible" by Blake Healy, and he described a memorable encounter through a vision with Jesus in regard to Jesus's dreams for our lives. Jesus showed Blake all the dreams he had for everyone on earth. The dreams were represented as drawers. Each is laid out with perfect, complete steps to lead and guide them through life. Some of the dreams were fulfilled by people on earth, but so many were left unfulfilled. Blake came to his drawer and commented on how narrow it seemed.
"Jesus told him, "That's right, it's small. There's no room for your dreams in there, only Mine." I turned and looked at him. "It's all right," He said. "I'll hold your dreams for you." It was neither a promise that He would add my dreams to the drawer nor a promise that He would not. It was an invitation to trust Him."
Alex Seely (Pastor of The Belonging Co in Nashville, TN) shared her conception story in a recent sermon. She explained her struggle with barrenness for five years as they tried for a baby. During this time, she not only grew closer to God, but by the end of her five-year journey, she said, "It doesn't even matter if I have children. I have YOU! And that's all that matters!" She traded her dream for trusting in Jesus's dream for her life. She believed God's plan for her life was greater than her own wants, desires, or plans she created. And after that heart posture shift, she and her husband (Henry Seely) conceived two beautiful children, Taylor and Holly.
Through this journey I've learned the most important lesson: God has me, I have God. No matter if we have kids naturally, adopt our family, or remain childless. We have the call of God on our lives, and we've said yes to stepping into God's dream for our lives with no promise of our dreams being fulfilled. If my call is to be an aunt, I'll answer it. If my call is to be a wife, friend, caregiver, sister, daughter, writer, or marketer: I'll answer it with Holy Spirit's leading and guidance. I prioritize His will over mine.
We will keep trying for a child and will follow Holy Spirit's leading and guidance on seeking medical counsel, but more importantly, I will keep trusting my God. He's never left me or forsaken me. I trust His ways are better than mine. I know He is a good father. No matter the call - I know I was created with a divine purpose to fulfill Jesus's dream for my life.